Barzellette per chimici

The editors of Laboratory Equipment want you to start your week with a smile of your face. With years of science experience we’ve heard every science joke there is. So, here are some jokes we think you might like.

Q: Why does hamburger meat have lower energy than steak?

A: Because it’s in the ground state.

Q: What is the chemical formula for the molecules in candy?

A: CHoCoLaTe.

Q: What does a teary-eyed, joyful Santa say about chemistry?


Q: What weapon can you make from the elements potassium, nickel and iron?

A: A KNiFe.

Q: What is the dullest element?

A: Bohrium

Q: Do you know what happened to the chemist who was reading a book about Helium?

A: He just couldn’t put it down.

Q: Why are chemists great for solving problems?

A: They have all the solutions.

Q: Why do chemistry professors like to teach about ammonia?

A: Because it’s basic stuff.

Q: What do zombies eat underwater?

A: Brain coral.

Q: What happens when electrons lose their energy?

A: They get Bohr’d. 

Q: What happened when the neutron walked into a bar and asked what a beer cost?

A: The bartender said, “For you? No charge.”

Q: What do dipoles say in passing?

A: Have you got a moment?

Q: What do you call a tooth in a glass of water?

A: A one molar solution.

Q: What’s a biologist’s favorite pick up line?

A: “If I were an enzyme I’d be DNA helicase so I could unzip your genes.”

Q: How frequently should you make science puns?

A: Periodically.

Q: Why did the white bear dissolve in water?

A: Because it was polar.

Q: How did Heisenberg respond when a cop pulled him over on the highway for speeding and asked him, “Do you know how fast you were going?”

A: “No, but I can tell you exactly where I am.”

Q: What do you do if a chemist gets sick?

A: Well, if you can’t helium, and you can’t curium, you’ll probably have to barium.

Q: What is a cation afraid of?

A: A dogion.

Q: What happened after the two behaviorists had sex?

A: One turned to the other and said, “That was great for you, how was it for me?”

Q: Why don’t you ever hear new chemistry jokes?

A: All the good ones argon.

Q: How many analysts does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: Three: one to prove existence, one to prove uniqueness and one to derive a non-constructive algorithm to do it.

Q: What does the little mermaid wear?

A: An algebra.

Q: What’s a mathematician’s favorite dessert? 

A: Pi! 

Q: Why can’t you trust atoms?

A: They make up everything.

Q: What happened to the criminal light?

A: It ended up in a prism. 

Q: What did the photon say when he checked in to a hotel and the bellboy asked if he needed help with his luggage?

A: “No, I’m traveling light.”

Q: Why don’t you do arithmetic in the jungle?

A: Because if you add four to four you get ate!

Q: What is the difference between a psychotic, a neurotic and a mathematician?

A: A psychotic believes that 2+2=5. A neurotic knows that 2+2=4, but it kills him. A mathematician simply changes the base.

Q: Why did Schrödinger work in a tiny garage?

A: Because he was a quantum mechanic. 

Q: What will a logician choose: a half of an egg or eternal bliss in the afterlife?

A: Half of an egg, because nothing is better than eternal bliss in the afterlife, and a half of an egg is better than nothing.

Q: Why did the mathematician divide sin by tan?

A: Just cos.

Q: What do you get when you add two apples to three apples?

A: A grade school math problem.

Q: Why did the student do his multiplication homework on the floor?

A: His teacher told him not to use tables.

Q: How do you tell a chemist to knock ‘em dead at a job interview? 

A: Feed them cyanide!

Q: How many university professors does it take to replace a light bulb?

A: Four: one to do it and three to co-author the paper.  

Q: What did the mathematician say to his drunk friend at a party?

A: “Please don’t drink and derive!”

Q: What happened to the man who wanted to graph the effects of math puns?

A: He found himself unable to function.

Q: What happened when the piece of sodium was in love with the Bunsen burner and said, “I melt whenever I see you.”

A: The Bunsen burner rolls her eyes and says, “It’s just a phase you’re going through.”

Q: What fruit contains Barium and double Sodium?

A: BaNaNa

Q: What happened when the programmer’s wife told him, “Run to the store and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen.”?

A: He came home with 12 loaves of bread. 

Q: What are you if you’re not part of the solution?

A: Part of the precipitate.

Q: What does DNA stand for?

A: National Dyslexics Association.

Q: Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero?

A: He’s OK now.

Q: Are there any jokes about sodium?

A: Na

Q: Are Photons Catholic?

A: I don’t know. Do they have Mass?

Q: What happened when oxygen went on a date with potassium?

A: It went OK.

Q: What emotional disorder does a gas chromatography system suffer from?

A: Separation anxiety.

Q: What did the chemist say when he found two isotopes of Helium?

A: HeHe 

Q: Why did the scientist put a knocker on his front door?

A: Because he wanted a “No-bell” Prize!

Q: What is a chemist’s favorite kind of holiday tree?

A: A chemistree!

Q: Optimists see the glass as half full. Pessimists see the glass as half empty. How does the engineer see it?

A: Twice as large as it needs to be.

Q: Why was six afraid of seven?

A: Because seven ate nine.

Q: What does a black sock in need of darning have?

A: A black hole

Q: Which detective do you call to investigate when the electricity goes out?

A: Sherlock Ohms.

Q: Did you know that Organic chemistry is difficult?

A: Yeah, those who study it have alkynes of trouble.

Q: What did Copernicus’ mother say when he was a petulant teenager?

A: ”When are you going to grow up and realize that the world doesn’t revolve around you?”

Q: What did one endothermic reaction say to the exothermic reaction?

A: You’re so hot!

Q: What do you get when you take the circumference of your jack-o-lantern and divide it by its diameter?

A: Pumpkin Pi

Q: Optimists see the glass as half full. Pessimists see the glass as half empty. How does the chemist see it?

A: Totally full: half in liquid state, half in gaseous.

Q: How can you figure out a chromosome’s sex?

A: Pull down its genes!

Q: What did the mathematician say to his friend when he was leaving the party?

A: Calc you later.

Q: What is a cation afraid of?

A: Dogions 

Q: Why did the cat fall off the roof?

A: Because he lost his mu.

Q: Why did the chicken cross the Mobius Strip?

A: To get to the same side.

Q: What did the mass spectrometer say to the gas chromatograph?

A: Breaking up is hard to do.

Q: Why did the archaeopteryx catch a worm?

A: Because he was an early bird.

Q: Did you hear about the famous microbiologist who traveled in thirty different countries and learned to speak six languages?

A: He was a man of many cultures.

Q: What did the post doctorate study when he changed fields from particle physics to geology?

A: Earthquarks.

Q: What is Murphy’s law for experimental scientists?

A: If something can go wrong, it will do so just before your grant is up for review.

Q: Did you know there are 10 types of people in the world?

A: Those that understand binary and those that don’t.

Q: What do chemists use to make guacamole?

A: Avogadros.

Q: Why should you never eat a PB and J sandwich?

A: Because lead is bad for you.

Q: Why didn’t the dendrochronologist get married?

A: All he ever dated was trees!

Q: What happened the first time a physicist, biologist and a chemist went to the ocean?

A: The physicist saw the ocean and was fascinated by the waves. He said he wanted to do some research on the fluid dynamics of the waves and walked into the ocean. Obviously, he was drowned and never returned.

The biologist said he wanted to do research on the flora and fauna inside the ocean and walked into the ocean. He too, never returned.

The chemist waited for a long time and afterwards, wrote the observation, “The physicist and the biologist are soluble in ocean water.”

Q: What is H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O?

A: Water

Q: What happened after the bartender said, “We don’t serve faster-than-light particles here”?

A: A neutrino walked into a bar.

Q: What did one titration say to the other?

A: Let’s meet at the endpoint.

Q: Why do chemists like nitrates so much?

A: They’re cheaper than day rates.

Q: How do you make a hydrogen bond into James Bond?

A: Erase the hydrogen and write in James

Q: Why shouldn’t you invite Schrodinger’s cat to a celebration?

A: He’s simultaneously the life and soul of the party and a dead bore.

Fonte: Laboratory Equipment